Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Mental Health. I Grow Stronger.

I know I've shared little sneak peeks on instagram, but here it is!  My quote/mantra/inspiration for this year will be the phrase: I Grow Stronger.

I'm pretty sure I've shared this before, but just in case I haven't... I struggle with Major Depression and a Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I have been in a good place for a while with both conditions, getting through my day what I expect to be normally. And then,my psychiatrist moved away, which was fine with me because most f the work on myself I do with my psychologist. All the strategies and ways to cope, I work through with the psychologist. That didn't change the fact that I still needed to find a new psychiatrist. I use medication and needed someone to manage that area of my conditions.

Thankfully, I found a new psychiatrist really nearby he works with my brother so I thought 'Lets try him out'.  My first appointment with him was a late one in the afternoon, normally I prefer early appointments because the waiting makes me anxious. Anxiety doesn't care if it''s an appropriate time or if waiting for a couple of hours until my appointment isn't a big deal. It just gnaws at me from the inside with all these thoughts that I know are ridiculous, like "You'll probably miss your appointment no matter what the time", "The doctor doesn't care what your problems are he has better things to do, patients that need more help than you", "Why are you being an inconvenience to the other people by even showing up? Just give your spot to someone who actually needs it".

So, I'm waiting since the morning for my first time meeting this doctor and I already have all these thoughts in my head. I get there almost two hours early because I knew I had paperwork to fill as a new patient.

I spent more than four hours waiting there to be seen, spent more than half of that time struggling through  panic attack. Which no one seem to care about... Not even my dad, who ended up going to keep me company. I'm just sitting there in front of everyone, crying, fidgeting, scratching at myself, but I was just as invisible as the air I couldn't get into my lungs. I went to the bathroom and got through most of the episode by myself, I begged my dad to just leave because if this doctor didn't care enough to keep his appointments, how would I know if he cared enough to help me?

My father convinced me to stay and give him a shot, I did because I felt like I would disappoint and be  bother to my dad. Finally (it was night already) the doctor calls me into his office, I sit down across from him and he looks at me. The first thing he asks me is if I think I'm pretty, I jokingly answered "It depends on my mood" and laugh a little. I can't say that I got much of a word in. He immediately decided that all my problems were weight related.

I had to stop binge eating, I could't just eat my feelings I should exercise, etc. I looked at him and told him I don't binge eat, eat my feelings and am completely fine with exercising. We never talked about my triggers, none which have to do with my weight, I know my conditions and the reasons I'm overweight and I've been working with it for years. I left that first appointment with mixed feelings, I started doubting myself and I felt like my progress was slowly stopping.

I had a couple of more appointments with him, because I thought I should give him a chance. I dreaded these appointments. I felt horrible afterwords, like we did nothing during those appointments. I felt like I was going to see someone who would just criticize me, not talk about what I needed to talk about, just all about my weight and how I needed to lose it.

I feel good in my body, do I want to lose some weight? Yes, I want to reach a healthier weight. Do I hate myself or think it is the center of all my mental health problems? No, I don't. I love myself no matter my physical appearance, because I know what type of person I am and that is what matters to me in the end.

My last appointment with this doctor solidified the point that we weren't a fit at all. I even went and talked with my psychologist a couple of days later, he thought the same as me.  Now I'll have to ask all of you to excuse my language, but out of all my years of struggle and different doctors none made me feel like him. Every time I went to see him, I stepped into that office feeling light and strong emotionally just to leave tattered and feeling like shit.

He made me feel like shit every single time we had an appointment. He started making me doubt myself, my body and my self-worth. So I decided enough is enough, I tried to confront him and he found a way to turn it back to me. I started crying, he told me not to cry, that we were both intelligent human beings and I needed to stop being babyish. Suffice to say I left that appointment in tears, spent that whole day in an emotional withdrawal that I hadn't done in two years. That's two years of progress broken down in an hour or less.

Afterwords I started thinking to myself of all I've been through, I'm also a christian and I turned to prayer, I talked my thoughts out with God and what I have learned in and out of church. I retreated into myself to find an answer. The answer was/is simple, I Am Strong. Everyday I grow stronger, no matter the ups and downs it all just makes me stronger. So I summarized all of that into one phrase I would like to share with all of you and I hope it helps you as much as it has started to help me

I Grow Stronger

Everyday we grow stronger, and we shouldn't let anything or anyone tell us otherwise. Keep growing, keep learning, keep planting the seeds of your hard earned knowledge. I don't and won't let my conditions define me, I'm not going to let others do it either.
I know I normally don't make posts this long, but I felt like it was needed and necessary.

So, hello 2017 this year I Grow Stronger. What about you guys? What do you hope to accomplish this year?

Con Amor,

No comments :

Post a Comment